Jen’s murder is still unsolved…

After Chestermere, we moved out to Kaslo, BC where I attempted to salvage what was left of my schooling.  Successfully.  It took an extra year but, after one has been broken so many times so early in life, motivation for much of anything is a luxury.  Jennifer Janz’s murder was still fresh in my mind in the form of a repressed memory. 

Jen left us in July of 1991 and laid to rest in Queen’s Park Cemetary

But, repressed as it was, the effects of that shock felt something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  A severe beating from my father right before we moved to Chestermere was also something I couldn’t deal with, and it added to my already fragile state.  I couldn’t walk after it, all because of a foster kid’s false testimony too, I seem to be the constant victim of other people’s lies.  I didn’t care much about anything after these excruciating events.

I still think about Jen every once in a while.  When one loses the first girl he ever loved due to such an act of malice as murder when one is so young, I was only 16 at the time, one never really recovers from that.  I go to see her at Queen’s Park Cemetery sometimes, on occasion.  It’s still very hard to deal with, even after all these years.  An exceptional memory isn’t actually a good thing no matter what anyone tells you.  Images, sights and sounds are just too vivid and even the emotions are as crystal clear as Cristal Champagne.  I.  Just.  Can’t.  Forget.

That’s her on the far right, and me in the background with the sweater.

Even to this day, I wake up sweating, and I usually go home after work with splitting headaches.  Nightmares happen every once in a while but, they’re pretty rare.  I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as well which causes frequent panic attacks that contributed, in large part, to a myocardial infarction in 2010.  Other anxietal factors/disorders were in that mix as well for such a crazy event as a heart attack when one is only 34 years old.  Most of the time these panic attacks cause loss of consciousness which would classify them as serious as GAD comes.  I’ve often questioned the wisdom of me driving a car, as one never knows when a panic attack will occur but, riding on Calgary Transit causes a great deal of anxiety for me as well, so, I’m stuck between a car and a hard bus, so-to-speak.

Here’s an old photo of us all at Glenmore Christian Academy singing at the old Chinook Centre, top floor, in the late 80s with Jen on the far left, front row.

I haven’t been officially diagnosed with GAD, PTSD nor OCD yet, only by a family doctor and not a clinical psychologist, so it needs a very expensive process to begin the healing which I haven’t got the money for.  Therapy and crazy expensive drugs are not an option at the moment, not with the current health plan nor debt load I’m carrying.  There is a strong possibility that other more serious mental health conditions exist as well.  My head is quite a mess.  And I won’t get into the physical ailments either, that list would stretch around the block too.
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Jen’s death set the stage for how I would proceed with women and relationships with them thereafter.  After I got through the ridiculous late-teen laying spree I went on, I’ve been celibate for 22 years now, since 1996.  I’ve had several relationships with many lucky young ladies but I was never able to breach the long-term commitment debacle.  I’ve made attempts to hack it but, Jen’s death always rang in my mind, “what if she dies too?” I would ask myself that every time I got close to someone.  That terrible, unsolved murder, even to this day, dictated my outcome for every close-encounter-with-the-feminine-kind that I ever embarked upon.  That, and the emergence of post modern feminism had really turned my stomach when it came to any future relationship.  Nauseating, in fact. 

I am a lone wolf and proud to be one.  Many Christian men have chosen a life of celibacy and so have I.  The Good Lord always came first, as He should.  Despite my horrific childhood and the mess of neurological wiring that I have been given, Jesus will always come first.  So sex was never an option after I got through the insane sex-drive that all young men are lumped with when late-teens and early twenties arrive.  Whew!  It was fun, but not something I’m terribly proud of. 

Still, when one cares so much about the truth as I do, it sometimes comes at the cost one’s own ego and reputation too.  Ego is such a sick fascination.  I choked on so much ego and bullshit lies with my own family that, when pride came even close to me I immediately diffused it anyway I could.  When it manifested itself in others as well as myself.  Like the old adage goes, Vanity, is the devil’s favourite sin.  And when one’s own family members constantly display it, it sickens you to the point of running the hell away from it.  But, I digress.

Back to Jen, there was an update in October of 2014 regarding Jen’s case file reported by the Calgary Herald.

Nothing new as it says, but, it was good to see the case wasn’t totally forgotten.  I have trusted in The Good Lord to take care of this matter and His justice always reigns supreme so, all I can do is try to move on.  I can only hope that the Good Lord guides the always dependable Calgary Police Service to more clues and interviews to finally nail the son-of-a-bitch who extinguished Jen’s light.

I sure do miss you, Jen.