So here I sit, toiling in utter obscurity, as a lowly dock worker in my home city of Calgary.
I have to say that I have been avoiding writing in my online journal, which has become my only outlet, since I chose my health over a career in Journalism – the field that nearly killed me. I guess I had so much to say that, I couldn’t gather it all in my head, something I have been dealing with since my nervous break after my choice to steer clear of being a Journalist.
BTW, as I write this post, I am currently listening to Shawn Hook’s A Million Ways.
Because, you see, when one’s mind has been broken, it has this never-ending problem of keeping its concentration on the task at hand, whatever that may be. It’s a curious thing, dealing with one’s mind when it has suffered such a traumatic experience as breaking in two. Everything that seemed easy before, somehow has turned into a major undertaking. I’m forgetting things left, right and centre, as a result. Even being a lowly dock worker, though the money may be great, has turned into a major undertaking in itself.
Loading and unloading trucks all day has turned into a tremendous source of my own personal solace too. A kind of way to think about life and to delight in the fact that what I am doing, really isn’t all that important. I had always downplayed my role in life as a warehouse worker in the Foothills Industrial Park as either a shipper/receiver or general warehouse rat as being completely uninteresting, pathetic, useless and totally irrelevant in the vastness of life’s ultimate purpose. I suppose it’s something that I really delight in now, because before as a Journalist, the crushing weight of the importance of what I was doing, helping people, writing about their problems in the hopes of solving them in some way, the whole thing became too much for me to handle. Soooooo many people were depending upon me, that it felt very much like being the father of a family of 16,000 plus! (and that was only the town of Dawson Creek). And what if I was an actually Journalist in Calgary?!? A city of 1.25 million?!!? Egads!
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Perhaps this whole thing with my nervous breakdown has simply amplified my performance anxiety, which I seem to have ALOT of these days. I guess, all in all, this is all that I can do, or perhaps all that I can be trusted to do well. Anything more that this and well, Carl might just crack into a million pieces.
There is one thing that gives me a great deal of joy though, despite all this sadness about doing nothing important, is listening to new trance music and dreaming of true love. Yeah, I do a lot of that. At heart, I am a romantic. But not one who, simply jumps into bed whenever he can, although that has happened more than once… But one who is really searching for true love. For that special girl who can really satisfy him and fulfill him completely. I do have a girl in mind, but she is in a far away town and perhaps has forgotten me by now. We had a special connection, I thought anyways, and I have thought about her, every day, for about a year and a half when I worked with her briefly. She had raven black hair, lovely hips and a pretty smile. She also had a certain quality that, I’m sure she would deny, a sort of needy quality, that I found incredibly attractive. A girl who actually needed a man! Wow huh? I keep thinking that we could make quite a team and a special family could be created with her help.
My own family was quite a disappointment, and a killer really, and one’s heart can be broken only so many times before one has to say, yeah, this family is not at all interested in me.
With her help, I could start again and be reborn anew, as it were, but I haven’t the faintest idea of how to accomplish this…