Howdy all! I know it’s been a bit since I’ve posted last but let’s just say that life has thrown quite a bit at me and I’ve been busy (mentally) attempting to sort it all out. I really should post far more often as it is quite therapeutic (and I’m paying a fortune every year for this domain name AND the fact that their aren’t any ads at all costs a bit extra… Whew!)
Not too long ago I was involved in a long distance relationship with a Ukrainian gal named Svetlana. She had a son named Max who loved soccer and they both had dreams of leaving war-torn Ukraine and getting a husband and father respectfully. So they called up Dream Singles and signed on and posted their profiles then soon enough that’s when I saw her picture.
Not bad hey?
We were “a couple” online for a two years and I had promised her that I could get her out of Ukraine and bring her to Canada and all I thought about was that I would have a loving wife from an extremely traditional country who was domesticated properly, a fundamental respect for men and did not care for hanging her husband out to dry in the legal system for “child support, alimony or maintenance”. Unlike so many millions of parasitic females in THIS continent do on a regular basis. We exchanged a hundred or so e-mails and I sent her money through the agency and soon I learned a great deal about her and her son and we grew closer and closer together. We were very much in love.
Alas, it was not meant to be because I had lost a very good job about 3 years ago and the one I have now pays less and the political situation here in Canada has become impossible to manage financially. I could no longer support her, to say nothing about getting her out of Ukraine now, so I broke the news to her and I had to stop sending money over there. That’s when I entered an excruciatingly dismal 3 year period of depression that I am still fighting today.
My current job has taken quite a hit because my mind is essentially broken into a million pieces and focusing on tasks has become extraordinarily difficult due to the effects of this depression as well as the regular effects of ADHD that I am also battling on top of that. Actually, I’m quite surprised I’m still employed.
For many months I have felt a great deal of guilt for getting her hopes up when I couldn’t deliver upon my promise and to a young girl in a war-ravaged country I must have seemed like a gift from God to her misery and suffering. When all I did was add to her already terrible situation.
Perhaps I was a bit optimistic that something of this magnitude could have been attempted but in my defense, I felt The Good Lord’s presence on this one but a lot of negative factors came in to play that I did not anticipate. In the end, it was my choice and I cannot blame Him for this and there is always the Chaos Factor that seems to be ever-present in my life.
Was I overly-ambitious? Did I expect too much from God on this one? Did I carefully consider all the variables? Who knows. I do suffer from chronic over-thinking when it comes to ANY decision making process so it is QUITE amazing that I attempted this at all. Ha, it really is. One thing I am NOT is a risk-taker.
Alas, after that, my expectations and ambitions in life became far more simple and mundane.
Some days I wonder if I made the right decision to cut off contact from my family but all I had to do was think about what happened and the events I was subjected to and my regrets turned to absolute life-affirming freedom.
When you have a brother and a mother that have set out to destroy you and at every turn seeks to amp up their profile at your expense you gain an extra-sensory appreciation for people who only want to use you for their purposes. I have been very angry at God for creating such a parasitic sibling and a sadistic parent for such a long time and I’m glad that we haven’t had any contact for many years. I have used this platform on several occasions to point out Daniel William Eric Johnson’s incredibly sadistic, sexually deviant and morally questionable drug use and it has felt incredibly good to do so.
Like a weight has been lifted from my life and through my writing I have been able to relieve much of the anger and frustration that such a person has been responsible for.
One has to say to oneself that taking the dramatic step in cutting off one’s family is the best way just to get away from the ever-present ego-mania and control-freaking that was there! That ego-mania and control-freaking is parasitic in nature and what does one do when most of the family is infected with it?
At least I am in contact with others who have also left this dysfunctional family that probably never should have been slammed together and this union had cracks in the bond that was evident RIGHT from the get-go. Several members took off shortly after in protest of the she-thing that the one called father had married! I was fucked from the start!
How does a young guy deal with the fact that his own “mother” chains him up with this brother and leaves the house for several hours and then tells her friends about it with him present?!? After that, my revulsion for her was an in-born instinct that I couldn’t hold back and I was angry and mistrustful of everyone even to this day? Then she set out to discredit me the same way Danny boy did all to protect their own ego and reputation? She and he didn’t want me to say anything about what they did so it was my voice they wanted silence. But, The Good Lord saw and heard everything the faggot and cunt did and one day, there will come a reckoning where ALL will be made public and judged.
Perhaps The Good Lord sent this detestable thing into my life for a reason? If so, what on Earth could it be? And what about Svetlana? What was the reason for that?
These two events represent two very dark periods in my life that I have been grappling with and one has to question why, inevitably, but that why question will never be answered especially in a way that will satisfy. Will it?
It is at times like this that I need to wonder why? Well, the answer is, coldly, free will. As twisted as they both were, they chose to hurt others, even their own family members, but regardless of who was hurt, the matter of free will is a thing God wants us to understand the immense gravity of. It is truly, a weighty subject. One that has been debated across centuries of political arenas where many leaders have sought to limit our freedom in the name of achieving morality but God has made it clear that free will cannot be altered, for however good, and cannot be governed despite our best efforts.
Should I have run away? Should they have come to their senses on their own? Should I have told someone about what was happening? These are all questions I have pondered over the years and I have come to the inescapable conclusion that, free will is a freedom that should be treated with the utmost in respect. Because one day, we ALL will be judged accordingly for how we used our freedom to affect others… negatively or positively.